Warning. This is more of a “Misfit Love” post. One that has little to do with nutrition but mostly about my personal thought bubbles that still usually revolve around some aspect of wellness; usually mental wellness or perhaps even the lack of it.

So this title might be a little misleading. I’m still having those dreams, the ones that happen when I sleep. In fact just the other night I dreamt I went into a pet store where my son was almost attacked by a vividly royal blue cobra from a glass tank without the front panel of glass. Yeah me.

Thank you child for repeatidly bringing home “Scariest Reptile” books from the library!!

Anyway, what I’m talking about is DREAMS!

Big ones! Bold ones!

Goals!

Aspirations!

Visions!

I seemed to have lost my mojo for this.

I use to create crazy Visions for my life both professional and personal. In fact, I have several written out editions that do include the one standard never left out: Coastal Italy. Long wooden table. Dining alfresco with friends. Kids running around olive groves. Twinkly lights above. Endless wine and bread and cheese. Sounds fantastic I know. But for as drool worthy as this vacation will be; it’s just that, a short lived vacation.

And I love to summon up an uber fantastic goal for someone else.

Especially businesses. If you’re an entrepreneur or own a business, I can create grandiose plans for you. My poor business owner husband, he’s constantly bombarded with “ever give this a thought?” “you should do THIS!!”I promise though they’re doable to this eye. But just like his mile long to do list has him so overwhelmed to see the bigger picture, to see what could become, I’ve forgotten how to come up with one for myself.

In Matthew Kelley’s “Greatest Lent Ever”, the first 2 days, he talks about finding your “sweet spot”. That area in your life where you’re in the ZONE, whatever you’re doing that makes you come ALIVE, makes you HAPPY.

I’ve once again misplaced those emotions in the clutter.

All of the clutter. The physical found in every nook of my home, garage, vehicle. The emotional trapped in my mind in the form of anxiety and worry regarding my children, husband, family and all those in my circle of love. It’s hidden in the too tightly packed calendar.  

I’m old enough and finally wise enough to see this has become a pattern. Where I lose my Happiness; with a capital H.  

No need to get worried about me.

This is not the same as becoming depressed eventhough it’s easy to get that confused. After all isn’t the antonym for Happy- Sad? Isn’t sadness part of depression?

I’m not sad, it’s more like lost?

And this new pattern I’ve discovered about myself is slowly evolving and improving, but I’m still stuck.

Two years ago, I had a hard time listing 3 things that made me happy. (lower case h)

Last year, in a 5 day “Happiness Challenge” I was encouraged to write out a whole, entire sheet of things that make me happy. And I did it.

And those things still haven’t changed. Kitchen dance parties, popping open a fresh can of tennis balls (even though I don’t play tennis) and my newest addition, rocking out a fantastic tasting homemade chocolate frosting make me happy.

I’m becoming more Present in the moment.

I’m practicing Gratitude for the littlest things in the day that make me smile.

But I’m yearning for more. I just don’t know what?

My husband and I have an ongoing battle over the word “Content”.

He associates contentment with peace. I associate it with mediocrity. A concept I loathe.

And without a BIG, BOLD, juicy Vision for my life the idea that I’ve become mediocre sets in. And that trip to Target without the kids becomes the biggest highlight of the week.

And yes for 40 minutes that might make me happy, but I want HAPPY!!

There’s no PURPOSE in solo trips to Target. No lives I’m changing. And that ultimately is what I’m still searching for… Not just a Vision but My PURPOSE.

As I’m writing this I’m on a flight to SF to visit with my BF. To excape the clutter of my house. The responsibilites of parenthood. The calendar clutter.

Will I have an epiphany of why I’m here on Earth?

Doubtful.

Will I be happy? Yes.

But in the Zone, Alive, HAPPY? I’m not sure.

Like many times in the past, I’ll adjust my mindset that I have Big, Bold Purpose now. It’s just in the form of making friends laugh, strangers smile, my children feel secure, my husband feel loved, and a few lose weight and love their body and selves.

This feeling as mentioned before is cyclical. Ebbs and flows with the Red Tide. Sometimes lasting longer than I care to admit, other times totally forgetting I have these emotions and moments until they pop up again.

Either way if you have a Big, Bold Dream for me, I’d love to hear it. We can meet in Italy, under twinkly lights with the Chianti flowing.

Misfit Love, Kim

Ps. Stay tuned to my Part 2 post trip follow up thoughts and aha moment I had covered in 8 layers of sweat next week.

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